


I'd rather not meet you at all.

by scftsun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Hurt, M/M, Narration Switching Perspective, Not really sure how to tag, Panic Attacks, Post-Break Up, Song Inspired, heavy descriptions of panic attacks - yes i tagged it twice so pls be careful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25182217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scftsun/pseuds/scftsun
Summary: In which Jisung repeats the same routine every evening yet tonight is a little different.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	I'd rather not meet you at all.

**Author's Note:**

> heyy! been a while since i last posted here! this piece has been sitting in my wip folder since last year and i was considering deleting it but i wanted to see how much my writing has changed in the last year so here i am hhsdjhah i did keep majority of the original draft so yeah 
> 
> this piece is inspired by joji's slow dancing in the dark. this song holds a lot of memory and is very close to my heart. i'd like to dedicate this piece to 2018 me. you've gone through a lot. it's okay, you're brave and i can tell you confidently that you will get through it. just hold on, it gets better and i'm proud of you.
> 
> happy reading!

The city lights bled through the damp concrete. The boy's caramel locks block his field of view as he makes his way back to his apartment. He takes a step on a light puddle, distorting his blurry reflection. He carefully tugs his hood down lower, avoiding eye contact from every stranger passing by. He didn't need anyone giving him pity looks as he threads his way home. This evening was awful enough. 

The door beeps upon access and the boy shuffles his way to the living room. He syncs his phone to the built-in speakers around his apartment and hits shuffle. A song that he's awfully familiar with plays a painfully low bass that reverberates through his bones. The boy shuts his eyes and allows the music to lull him into the depths of his memories.

Every night he repeats the same routine. Every night he goes out to the diner to order a chocolate milkshake and curly fries. Eats it and return home to sit and wallow in the darkness. He rests his head back allowing the song to take control of his body. 

  
  


He remembers it all. The warmth of _his_ breath as _his_ skin touched Jisung's. He lets go of all the tension of his body and his mind becomes clearer. He could feel how _his_ lips would smile as their lips met. _His_ hands travelling to Jisung's waist and how _he_ would hold Jisung close. 

  
  


The soft tune played as his lover would continue to sway with him, the lights are low and the city's buzz could be heard if you listened close enough. The raven-haired boy's hands would travel around the velvet fabric of Jisung's shirt and would pull him close into a loose hug. With a gentle touch, _he_ would tuck Jisung's caramel strands behind his ear and whisper a sweet ‘I love you’ as Jisung melts under his touch. 

  
  


A rumbling sensation begins to rise up Jisung's stomach as he vividly remembers the feeling of his cheeks blossoming roses. At _that_ moment he felt safe. His head begins to constrict in pain as he would visualise _his_ head resting on Jisung's chest as they continued to sway like those old couples you would see in movies. 

  
  
  


"I can hear your heartbeat," _he_ mumbles against the caramel boy's chest. "Yeah?" Jisung would reply, "it's syncing up with mine," Jisung swallows hard silently panicking, "It beats fast and it beats for me." His lover would continue as Jisung hesitantly reaches down to _his_ head, steadily stroking _his_ hair. 

  
  
  


Jisung always did hate the way his lover knew all his weaknesses. _He_ knew how to calm him down even when Jisung would never show any signs of distress. _He_ knew him, inside and out. Which was what terrified the young boy. It scared him that sometimes his lover knew him better than his own soul. 

It reminded Jisung of the time before they got together. That time when _he_ was just a well-off acquaintance knocking on Jisung's apartment on one stormy day. But that's not what it felt like to Jisung. It felt like _he_ had entered Jisung's brain and decided to stay and clean around. It felt like the moment _he_ walked into Jisung's brain everything started becoming clearer. _He_ started picking up books that contained Jisung's memories and organising them back to where they belong. 

  
  


Jisung's chest ached from the flood of memories drowning his consciousness. Random flashes of memories would pop in and out of his mind. The ray of sunshine, perfectly hitting his face. A bouquet of peonies being handed to him. The raven-haired boy looking back laughing as they run down a hill. 

  
  


A burning sensation begins to spread around his neck as he gasped for air. His head felt like it was being squeezed by someone and a thin piercing sound overloads his senses. Jisung's body instinctively curls down as hot tears start rolling down his cheeks. Each drop feels like it's leaving a trail of flames down his face. Stop. He wants it all to stop. The ringing, the pain and the memories.

  
  


But there was no way of undoing it. There was no way in this lifetime that Jisung wasn't going to meet _him_. He could still remember the day they first met. It was through a friend, they were a friend of a friend. It was simple, pleasant- little did he know that a road of pain and misery would be waiting for him.

Yet still- there was no way he wasn’t going to meet _him_ . Jisung, for the life of him, can't even remember my life without him in it. It’s like someone trying to forget their own name, it just simply won’t happen. But would it be harsh for him to say that he wishes he’d never met _him_ if he was meant to lose _him_ anyway? Was it cruel for Jisung to have preferred not to know his other half than going through the unexplainably excruciating agony of watching the boy he loved slowly fall out of it? No. He’d rather have not met _him_ at all.

  
  


Jisung's breathing has grown disproportionate, erratic, painful. He wheezed, gasping for air with his vision too blurry to see. The world was spinning, too many thoughts were racing in his head. Too many voices were echoing. He starts to hear his own cries. He cringes from the sound of pain escaping his lips with each cry and whine.

  
  


But if he were to never meet _him_ , Jisung would never know that someone could be so unmistakably clumsy but still be undeniably adorable. He would never know how to survive a week without anything but eggs, ham and rice. He would never know how to play the guitar. He would never know how to love himself without feeling guilty for being selfish. Or worse, he would never know how to love at all. 

Falling in love with such blind trust that the other person will catch you and never let you go. Jisung would have never known what it was like to fall so deeply in love with someone, that he would slowly start loving himself. Because loving _him_ is like loving myself and Jisung was being honest? He never thought he could do that.

  
  


Jisung gasps out in pain, chin shaking uncontrollably. His eyes stung yet he couldn't stop the burning tears from escaping. He felt so much pain across his body that his own limbs began shaking without him knowing. The sensation of pins and needles grew and spread across his face, arms and legs. He wanted to tear his own skin apart from the discomfort he felt. 

_You taught me so many things, like how to be brave and face my own fears_ , Jisung hears his own thoughts. _How to stand up for what I believe in and always follow what my heart desired because it hurts more to never have tried at all_ . He had lost control of his body that he had started drooling from keeping his mouth open with all the cries it lets out. _You taught me how to always put love and care into everything. You taught me how to live without worries or fears_.

He started choking on his own cries and at any moment he felt like throwing up. _You taught me how to live with you but you never taught me how to live without you._ Jisung screams in pain, he screams and yells for the thoughts to stop and leave him be. He cries as his body would rock back and forth ever so slightly. _You never taught me to prepare myself for when you would be gone._

He had started hearing _his_ laugh once more. _His_ laugh, _his_ smile, _his_ voice and _his_ scent. _You never taught me how not blame myself for your disappearance_ . Jisung whines out cries, hands shaking as he tries to wipe his tears away with his sleeves. _You never taught me how to forget you and I hate that_.

A strong, warm embrace pulls Jisung in close into a hug and he could feel the circles being rubbed on his back. "Shh, it's okay Ji," a voice coo out. Jisung's chin still trembles but his voice falters out a quieter cry. 

Jisung's cries become muffled as he cries into the shoulder of his best friend. "It… hurts," he struggles to cry out. Jeno pulls him closer, tighter, holding him as _he_ used to. The music softly played and the city continued to buzz from miles away. Jeno continues to rub circles on Jisung's back as a tear softly rolls down his cheeks once more as he whispers, ‘I still love you,’ a sharp shaky breath cuts his sentence, his chest hiccups before he could breathe out, "Chenle," 

  
His head throbs, his heart aches but nothing hurts more than the warm autumn breeze that has now replaced _him_.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed that! you can find me on twitter in @/muchlovestar i write aus there so you can check that out if you like!


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